I can't help but feel that being asexual means that I'm intrinsically broken I will never experience something that is essentially human. I will forever be missing part of the basic human experience, not sex, I can have it if I want, but the desire for sex and the ability to desire another person in every way. Humans are sexual creatures, supressed by society but true all the same, our closest relatives are sexual creatures... I'm not allowed to ever experience what that means. And no matter how much I show my support for other asexual people, and no matter how many people say that it's normal, I will always feel broken and be broken.
Not to mention no matter how often the 'A' is added in LGBTQ+ I never feel welcome, I'll never struggle with societal acceptance, because abstinence is basically celebrated. Not to mention I've never met someone of the same sex or other who I've been emotionally attached to, I could very well one day, I don't meet a lot of people and I'm not attracted by bodies... but for now I'm basically straight, and therefore unwelcome.
But then also, I struggle so much with questioning gender and my place in that constantly, I honestly believe it is meaningless and at it's core performative (not talking about body dysmorphia I understand being trans better than I do gender), but I don't care to perform, I don't care what people see me as - though I don't have much of a choice than being seen as my biological sex anyway - or what people call me... and yet when I say that I'm told I'm making a joke of it and invalidating people, but what's wrong with not wanting to be part of it? I feel so forced, and can't seem to have an honest conversation with anyone about it without being shouted down, and now it's a constant itch that I can't express or understand.
Sometimes I just feel unwelcome and broken on all fronts, and that's how it is.
