Obligatory I know this isn't the place for it comment.
but it feels right to me
ive been lurking for a little bit when I need I return to these waters
A sense of familiarity
And when I do I don't say much it's not the saying that helps it's the knowing that we are all fellow travellers telling the same story from different perspectives
I don't like putting my hand up and saying hey I'm not doing ok
it's in my opinion harder to do so when your opinion in maintain the course mode
the knockdown rebuild faze is long passed now it's less rise and strive less recovery less visible progress
it's maintain the course and keep the ship afloat
its hard to say I've come through the storm and survived and it's the still waters that at times feel just as difficult to sail
I wrote this recently
"I hate that a smile always comes with a doubt, that I've learnt not to trust my own thoughts and my feelings and that im so lost within what I can't live without."
foolishly I had worked for so long to be rid of my mental illness but that's unobtainable and unrealistic I think we all make that mistake multiple times in our lives
they say don't pray (haha you mentioned religion first) don't pray for an easy life pray to be a stronger man
i find little comfort in this statement
I know it's going to be challenging and testing at times and I know my mental health is always going to be a factor in my world it's still hard to admit that it has an impact on my daily life and my ability to operate within society and its expectations
It's hard to let people in and say I'm not managing I need support
letting them know I'm not doing ok it's lowering of the guard being vulnerable to people I care about it's like dropping the charade and not pretending for a bit
And worse of all it can lead to people actually knowing how I'm going and what I deal with how I am
I have let it out and shown people and they worry they get upset they cry they feel sorry for me or are then scared for me
And it's a constant thing for me like it doesn't come and go it's just louder or quieter at times. I live with bipolar disorder and while I have hard periods of 'stability' my moods still fluctuate there is always this ebb and flow but to varying degrees of intensity
from 1-10 I scale it
1-2 is get me to hospital low
4-7 the functional golden window
8 I'm elevated but can keep a lid on it
9 people notice need to control myself more and watch what I say and do and fight the impulses
10 well too late you'll have to find me to bring me back to reality
Havnt had a 10 in a long while
been spending more time in the lows
mote fluctuations now again after years
how are you cap'n?
I give the fake responses or downplay things a lot but the reality of how I think and feel aren't the best
I'm fearful of letting people See and letting them in because then they feel hopeless about helping me and can become distant this isn't there fault this is a natural response to seeing behind the veil
I'm scared of admitting I struggle to the full extent because I do, like to admit how much difficulty I have with normal ass shit and for people to find out it's not just crisis that is hard it's like most of it that is. Crisis is just when I need that intervention
theres this ever present ever constant sadness and misery
a shapeless chaos that I can't control and I so desperately want to
depression
Pessimistic
negative self talk
self loathing
slef destruction
guilt
shame
Grief
anxiety
fear
worry
Misery
hopelessness
daily
in varying degrees of intensity
